THE ROAD TO HEAVEN or THE CORNER OF HOLLYWOOD AND DIVINE

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.”
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Indian Missionary and Founder of the Order of the Missionaries of Charity. Nobel Prize for Peace in 1979.
August 26, 1910 – September 5, 1997


It seems like I can't sleep anymore...well at least not on Friday nights. For the last couple of months, it doesn't matter what time I go to bed, because invariably, I wake up 2-3 hours later. On the plus side I have time to work on this "Lil waste of space" without it intruding with my time with Season, but the negative is that I'm not lying in bed with her.

I know I could just lay there, but eventually I'll end up waking her, and that's not fair to her. So I tread these moments alone.

Well, as I was sitting there watching Iconoclasts, I had this strange moment of clarity. I don't get them often, and it's rarely ever about spirituality...until today.

I rarely touch upon spirituality in my entries, mainly because everyone opinions/ideals/beliefs differ, I always felt that I should never "force" mine upon anybody. Tonight that changes...sort of.

This is only a beginning, because I understand that beliefs and faith are very fluid. So I'm taking baby steps to make sure that what "I" believe doesn't get lost, especially to me. This is new ground upon which I traipse, and maybe one day I'll find that holy place within myself.

Let's start with the basics:

• Yes I believe in God.
• Yes I believe in heaven and hell.

I feel pretty certain that many of you will disagree with me, and I'm hoping that some of you will be cognizant that this is simply one man's mindset on a pretty touchy subject.

Firstly, I postulate that God loves every man, woman , and child no matter who or what they are. I accept this with every atom of my existence. I believe that God does not judge any of us at all. I believe that only man does that. I believe God has made us all to resemble each other in a physical way, but that's where it ends. We, as a whole, think , act, and react so differently from anyone else on this floating green/blue rock that we can either learn from each other or kill each other. I believe God made us all to be like this so that we could learn and grow as individuals and as a race. I believe he made us like this so that we could feed each others needs for love, knowledge, and understanding, while driving all of us into a forward movement that would lead us into the next evolution of man.

But that idea was lost somewhere, and I don't know when or how.

Some can argue that it began with the fall of Adam and Eve or the conflict between Cain and Abel. Some can argue that it never began and was in all of us from day one. I don't know the answer to this. I can't even begin to form a hypothesis nor do I want to.

What I do know is that man's time on this Earth is drawing near. In the news and media all the attention is on misery, fear, and death. When people are destroying each other verbally and physically over material items, invisible borders, and beliefs. When instead we should be existing as a community, as a family. We spend more time breaking and tearing each other down that we forget (or have forgotten) that

• and now there doth remain faith, hope, love -- these three; and the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13.

I don't believe man role was to tame the world we live in, and most certainly it wasn't to oppress our brothers and sisters. Sure, the bible gives us rules to live by. It also gives us tidbits of information on the rise of man and faith. It even gives us examples of the rewards and the punishments that await us all. One thing we keep forgetting is that the greatest bit of information came from Jesus

• Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. Matt. 22:37-39

I don't know...it seems pretty simple to me.

I'll be coming back to this topic every once and a while. Like I said at the beginning, it's a journey, and all I've done so far is take the first step. So far, I really like the direction it's taking me.

CONGRATULATIONS TO "GOOD OLE' J.R."

Just a quick little blurb for now...I'll be back later tonight/early tomorrow to do a full entry, but I just wanted to say something really quick (which means this will probably be longer than it should).

This week, thanks to a calendar/money expenditure error on my part, I was gone from the world for the last 4 days. So I missed my weekly wrestling fix...and it happened to be an event I wish I HADN'T MISSED!!!! This is where I kick myself in the ass...HARD!!!

Now as you all know I am a wrestling fan, so since I missed my fix, I went back and looked over the results and some videos of RAW and ECW.

Jim "Good ole JR" Ross, was announced as being the newest Wrestling Hall Of Fame nominee, and I whooped and yelled and started to tear up.

DID YOU HEAR ME??? JR IS GOING TO BE INDUCTED INTO THE WWE HALL OF FAME. THE VOICE OF MONDAY NIGHT RAW, IS GETTING HIS TRUE MOMENT IN THE LIGHT, AND HIS STAR IS GOING TO SHINE IN THE WWE, AS A BONAFIDE HALL OF FAMER.

JR brings to wrestling a passionate voice, filled with love and respect for the athletes, the history, and the future of sports entertainment. He brings a storytelling quality that carries you along through every match and segment of RAW. He, like any, announcer has his catch phrases, and as we all are want to do, we say/yell/scream them out, almost like a sing a long. But it's his articulation, delivery, and exclamations that has been his mark (and by god has he made that mark!!!) on this ever fluctuating business.

When JR was gone for health reasons, something was missing from the announce team. There was no "real" spark. There wasn't that almost tangible passion, that has been JR's trademark since coming to the WWE. He became the voice that you love to hear every Monday night.

So upon returning to RAW it was like my favorite uncle coming home to visit. All was right with the world of wrestling. LOL, even my wife agrees that compared to the other announce teams, RAW is the best.

So JR (knowing you'll probably never read this, but I'm saying it anyway) CONGRATULATIONS, you've worked hard for this honor and you truly deserve it.

BOOMER SOONER

RANDOM THOUGHTS...i guess

“You were born with wings. Why prefer to crawl through life?”
Jalal ad-Din Rumi
Persian Poet and Mystic, 1207-1273


I really have no clear idea tonite what I'm writing about. I was going to talk about farming, but that's a research project, that will take some time to sort through facts, figures, and statistics. Then I thought this would be a great time to go in to my "How to exact Change in America" piece but I'm still working on details for that. Than, I thought, "Hey Jose, this would be a great time to do a review or a meme...you know you want to, and it would be easy."

Well I may be a lot of things, but I am not easy...ok maybe I am, but not tonight. So instead, I'm just sitting here and I'm going to just type. No real destination or a point to make. This is just an experiment of sorts. So without further ado...

Do you think the 4 Horseman of the Apocolypse are friends?

Why does everything have an ingredients label (yes even water does) EXCEPT beer and cigarettes?

Why are diet sodas changing their names from diet to "zero" even though it means the same exact thing?

Why do so many people look down on mothers who breastfeed in public?

Why does a guy who drives a Hummer (H3 specifically -which gets 16 mpg -city 19 mpg -hwy and only has a 23 gallon tank) complain about gas prices? And does he have a right to?

Why do women show off cleavage, than get absolutely pissed when men look?

Why are smokers being treated like second class citizens?

Why do so many people blame food establishments for their lack of self control and/or common sense?

Why are orginizations (like truth) wasting so much time telling us smoking is bad, when EVERYBODY already knows it is?

Why is bussing kids to different school districts a bad idea?

Why do American companies close factories and production plants, send their plants to other countries, lay off millions of workers, thus eliminating incomes for their target consumers and then complain about a profit loss, which means they have to eliminte more jobs and move them to other countries....well you get the picture.

Why are there parks and playgrounds all over the US when there rarely any kids or families using them anymore?

Does anyone else remember Crystal Pepsi or "new"Coke...and did anyone else, other than me, like it?

Who else has seen "The Great Space Coaster"?

Why is it fashionable for women to show off their thongs and men to show off their boxers...while still wearing pants?

Does the Burger King "Burger King" freak anyone else out?

I think that's it for today. I'm finally tired which means it's bed time for Bonzo. Good night one and all and I'll see you soon.

WHY DO WE DO THIS? and SEASON'S EMAILS OF THE WEEK

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"
George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" (1921), part 1, act 1
Irish dramatist & socialist (1856 - 1950)

YESTERDAY'S QUOTE OF THE DAY (because I forgot to add it):
For most folks, no news is good news; for the press, good news is not news.
Gloria Borger
Journalist (1952 - current)

So if any of you are like me, we own DVD's and/or VHS movies and, most of us also have cable TV or satellite dish for home veiwing pleasure. Now why since we own movies, do we as a generality watch movies on pay TV of movies we already own? I just sat and watched Prophecy 2, which is a pretty cool movie, on Showtime. I also own Prophecy 2 on DVD, and it is still a pretty good movie. A few days ago, I did the same thing with Edward Scissorhands which is one of my alltime favorite movies. I watched it on Showtime (or was it Starz-well it doesn't really matter you get the idea) when I own it. So basically I have, in the last few days, watched movies I already own, and that I could watch at any time but deemed it necessary to watch them again...on pay TV. I know this doesn't seem like a truly a blog-worthy viewpoint but stick with me.

I sat there after it was over asking myself, why didn't I watch something I have never seen, or better yet put in a DVD of something I have purchased and haven't watched yet. The answer was simple (which led me to this place).

I believe that I am starting to get to complacent. I wake up at the same time everyday, do my pre-work rituals, go to the same job, talk about the same things, come home, follow my after work rituals (all depending on what day it is), and then go to sleep, only to do the same thing again. Now don't get me wrong, some people like rituals, and I don't fault them for it at all. I wish I could enjoy or even like repetition but I can't. I have such a short attention span that one would think doing the same thing over and over again would be a good thing. But it's not. My mind starts to wander, I stop paying attention to what's going on around me, and I basically become a 2 year old when some starts waving keys (oooooh sumfin shineyyyy) and lose where I am.

But I'm also a guy who doesn't like to be let down. I, like most people, don't like to be disappointed. I don't want to feel like I have just wasted part of my time/money/life. Which sadly I think most of feel like that at times. So why do we sit and watch movies that we have already seen. Why do we listen to music on the radio that we already own? Why do we go to the same restaurants or shop at the same stores?

I think it's because noone wants to be disappointed anymore, so we go with what we know. We go with what we like. We go with what's comfortable and safe instead of taking the occasional chance.

So I think today I'm going to go try some new things. I think today I'll take a chance at being disappointed because who knows, I might be pleasantly surprised. You know, now that I'm talking about it, maybe I'll try something new everyday. Watch something I have never seen. Listen to a different radio station (other than the ones pre-programed). Try a different kind of food or shop somewhere I have never been in. It kind of seems like a microadventure of miniscule proportions, but I have to keep reminding myself that life is not a journey without moments to remember, but to remember the moments that make life.

I know some pretty deep thoughts, for a Saturday morning, but I have been up for a while.

SEASON'S EMAILS OF THE WEEK

A BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine: Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine...I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

THE CAT (You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!)

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.
"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked!
I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car . . .

WOW!!! ATHLETE'S AND STEROIDS!!! that's news. AND OTHER KINDS OF UPDATES.

This is news? OK, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, nor am I ever going to give Einstein or Hawkins a run for their money when it comes to brains, but this is just stupid. So they use steroids. Some athletes take it as an enhancement drug, some take it for health reasons. Some athletes take it to "get ahead" in their profession. Some take it after as part of the medicinal regiment following surgery or illness. You know this sounds a lot like everyday happenings. I knew some guys who took steroids in high school sports, for those 2 same reasons. So again I ask, is this news? The people who use and abuse any kind of pill/powder/drink. It doesn't even have to be illegal. Food is not illegal, yet we live in a time when people abuse their bodies by eating too much, or the opposite, not eating at all. There is enough documented material teling all of us how alcohol is also used and abused. How many people out there drink too much? How many people eat too much? How many people out there take to many advil/tylenol/aspirin? How many people drink too much caffiene? How many people out there take too much nyquil/dayquil? How many people take ephedrine for the side effect and not for the main reason it was made? I myself have done this. As have most of the known world. These people whether or not they are famous, are in the end just as fallible or resposible as the rest of us. They are people too. We can make them into righteous, flawless, and enerring icons, but in the end they are just people, like us. This isn't news. This is just a way for some "investigative reporters", and man oh man do I use that term loosely, to knock some people down, drag their names in dirt, and say we had a right to know. Well I want to know one thing. Why are they naming only celebrities? Are you telling me that Joe Schmoe from Nowheresville, USA didn't find a way of prcurring the same things? Why do they name famous athletes when in all honesty the men and women who prescribed the "medications" are the ones who are and have been giving them out, knowing damn well what they were using it for. Why are they not the ones out there being crucified, instead of the athletes? Because people (I mean us, the little guys, who the powers that be are stating we are too dumb to know what is real news and what is pure bullshit and worse yet, be denied the real truths that affect us, and not this drivel that is fed to us) are letting it happen. We all seem to believe that the "HAVE's" are so much cooler than us that we put them on pedestals, only to be outraged when they fall of them. But than again, what do I know? I guess I'm more impressed by us little people who struggle day to day. I'm more outraged at the potholes that don't get fixed. I'm more concerned about homeless people dying in the streets. I'm more concerned about violence on the streets/in our homes/in our schools. But than again what do I know? I'm just a guy who drinks too much caffiene, drinks too much beer, takes too many advils, eats too much, and apparently thinks too much.

Now that I've had that uplifting start, let's get on to some other things. I know I've been gone again...and this time I have a reason. Allbeit a stupid reason, it is nonetheless a reason. I've been gone because I had a complete ass-kicking and very frustrating case of writers block. I had nothing at all. I'd log on sit here and nothing would happen. I'd go and read some blogs, web-comics, and emails...still nothing. My brain was completely out of ideas to write about. I even tried writing some offline stuff to cut and paste...and guess what? Nothing. Not a damn thing was coming to mind. Untill today. So here I am. Be patient with me, I told you I sucked at schedules. Next time I'm not saying a damn thing about my blogging plans, and just implementing them as I go, and maybe you'll like what I do and than again you might not, who knows?

By the way HAPPY FRIDAY!!! The weekend is officially here. Spring is officially here. New music day is officially here.

VICTIM EFFECT

Just simply some very cool. It a metal/electronica cross that works so well. It's funny because I'm not really into electronica but this is just plain cool. The band is called VICTIM EFFECT and the only victim will be you if you don't check them out and the only effect is that you won't hear some great music. Like I said it's VICTIM EFFECT.

oK THAT'S aLL FoR nOW. i'll pROBbaLY bE BACk lATeR, if THe mOoD hiT'S mE!!!!!

Queen Of New Orleans - Jon Bon Jovi

NEVER HEARD OF IT

Well if that aint enough to piss you off. I've been trying to access myspace for the new music portions yesterday and today and FINALLY I get access. I really hate being addicted to the info super hi-way...especially when they close all but one lane AND my exit!! But enough of that. It's new music friday...umm kinda. I know it's saturday but I had issues on here yesterday.

NEVER HEARD OF IT

Really? You should. So that's what I'm doing here. NEVER HEARD OF IT is the bands name and I'm glad I have. These guys have such a great sound. It's got a sorta Killers-esque feel, but I don't want to give you that comparison, because they sound great. A polished rock sound with energy and emotions, man, what else could you ask for. NEVER HEARD OF IT...now you have...and spread the word.

LEROY JUSTICE

It's not often that someone else's description puts into words what I'm thinking when I'm trying to describe it and just can't. There are times when my inside voice can't find the right coalition of words to say what I'm feeling. Luckily sometimes they themselves say the right thing...so in their own words...

"Like a roadhouse ghost rattling his chains, Leroy Justice...comes to life. Their revolution is the same one rock n roll has been fighting since the blues and country bedded down together to water the tree of musical liberty with the blood of true patriots. Leroy Justice opens a vein thats colored like the Black Crowes, Marah, Old 97s and vintage Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Its roots music that never strays too far from the garage or an open whiskey bottle."

Amen brother!!

So on this day I give you

NEVER HEARD OF IT

and

LEROY JUSTICE

I GUESS THAT'S THE LAST TIME I TELL YOU MY PLANS plus WEDNESDAY'S RECCOMENDATIONS, FRIDAY'S MUSIC and SEASON'S EMAILS...

whew that's too much rock for one hand.

Quote of the day:

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"

Oscar Wilde playwright, novelist, poet, and short story writer
October 16, 1854-November 30, 1900



I don't know why I do that. I say what I'm going to do, than life and reality blow it to smithereens. But I did do some blog ideas surfing, and it started with this...

10 Thoughts to Ponder for 2007

10. Life is sexually transmitted.

9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6. Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

2. In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

The only problem with the last statement is, well a very silly one. Ummm have you seen the state of the farms in America. Not only that but the fact there has been one case of BSE (bovine spongiform encephalopathy) aka mad cow disease according to to the FDA website...

According to the Animal Health and Plant Inspection Service (APHIS) of the United States Department of Agriculture, BSE has been detected in one cow in the United States. Following complications of pregnancy this cow was slaughtered December 9, 2003. As part of the APHIS ongoing surveillance of downer animals a brain sample was taken to test for the BSE agent. On December 25, 2003 it was confirmed that this animal tested positive for the BSE agent (on December 23, 2003 this was a "presumptive" case).

Ok I don't really know why that last line upset me (the one about FDA) other than the fact that I am going through the whole citizen becoming process myself, but it did make me use the i-net for a positive thing. Well with that said...


WEDNESDAY'S MUST HAVE'S...

Now there's no rhyme or reason I choose these other than I think that if you haven't experienced them you should. Not only that but I figured if I still own them after all of my "selling crap I own to make it through the tough times" it must mean something to me.

One of my MUST own CD's is Skid Row's SUBHUMAN RACE.






It's their best album...IMO. Because on this album they show their full potential as a rock/heavy metal band. On this album they do a great amalgamtion of their influences, experiences, and their signature sound. If you remember their SLAVE TO THE GRIND album, this disc is 10 times better. So get it or at least listen to it and let me know what you think.


My MUST read book is Brian Lumley's HERO OF DREAMS

It's the first in a series of books by this author. The coolest thing about these books is they take place in H.P. Lovecraft's Dreamlands. It's by far one of the easiest flowing books I have read too. Simply because the chapters are set up as micro stories. Well let me explain it this way. Hero Of Dreams is a collection of micro stories in chronological order that make up a book that makes up a series of books. Well anyway, read it.

My MUST have DVD

TRIGUN...all of them!!!!

It's fun, dramatic, action filled, romantic series of love, peace, principles life and death. NUFF SAID!!!!!

FRIDAY'S MUSIC

WELL BECAUSE OF SOME MAINTENCE ON MYSPACE...THIS WILL HAVE TO BE PUT OFF TILL A WEE BIT LATER...

SEASON'S EMAILS

ok here you go...

MERGING BAD PUNS...

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expectedmergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.Watch for these mergers in 2007:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang!

How To Give A Cat A Pill (and yes I know PETA would hate this one...but FUCK 'em)

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of > your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between > knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold ompress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's' front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.