4/13/2006
THE BURGER KING
I was just watching the Burger King commercial, you know the ones with the over sized head. The only reason I bring this up is because the "king" has that sexual predator look dontcha think? Just another random thought.
SORRY IT'S BEEN A WHILE
Well what can I say, I been busy with 2 things going on in my life. The first is getting the plans for my wedding going as smoothly as possible. The second is having really nothing to say. So I been on occasion just jotting some notes down and when I get a moment I go back and check out what I had jotted and I see where it goes. I won't be doing a daily thing as much or as often...well not until after the 26th of April. After that the marriage will be official, and more time will be open. Just a quick update on the lil waste of space called my life.
SALLY FIELD
I want to punch her in the face. I don’t know why, I just do. But not just Sally Field, Katie Holmes, Cindy Williams and Karle Warren are also in the punch in the face category. All my life I’ve had this thought, well as far back as I can remember. I told this to Season back a while ago, about Katie Holmes.
She told me about a time when a friend of hers told her that when she went to Disney, to punch Piglet in the Stomach. So I told her about wanting to punch Katie Holmes in the face and she laughed.
Than about 3-4 weeks ago Forrest Gump was on…and I said, “That’s the original punch in the face girl.” Than…she jumps off the couch and just about cart wheeled to the computer. She yells at me to come to the computer and has me do a side-by-side comparison of Holmes and Field…and lo and behold there are many similarities. So every time I have a “punch in the face moment” Season tells me it’s another similarity. Just thought I’d share something that for some reason makes Season laugh.
She told me about a time when a friend of hers told her that when she went to Disney, to punch Piglet in the Stomach. So I told her about wanting to punch Katie Holmes in the face and she laughed.
Than about 3-4 weeks ago Forrest Gump was on…and I said, “That’s the original punch in the face girl.” Than…she jumps off the couch and just about cart wheeled to the computer. She yells at me to come to the computer and has me do a side-by-side comparison of Holmes and Field…and lo and behold there are many similarities. So every time I have a “punch in the face moment” Season tells me it’s another similarity. Just thought I’d share something that for some reason makes Season laugh.
DAYTIME TV
Oh my god…I’m wasting my days watching “Primetime in the Daytime.” I really think I need to find another hobby.
FLIP TOP HEADS
You know I remember the old reach toothbrush commercials, you know the ones with the flip top heads. I just remember how back than I thought it would have been so cool to have a flip top head. You know just to be sitting in class, than all of a sudden “look the human Pez dispenser!” This was just a random thought that crept into this lil waste of space that I call my brain
4/12/2006
MORE EMAILS...AGAIN AND AGAIN
Subject: 15 police comments....
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in Monkey DOO."
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
4. "Just how big were those two beers?"
3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPI C/NCIC.."
2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in Monkey DOO."
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
4. "Just how big were those two beers?"
3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPI C/NCIC.."
2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
MORE EMAILS...AGAIN
What I've learned:
There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day. The other side of that is, a destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.
Strange Quotes About 'Character':
Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open. - Elmer G. Letterman
A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 - 1799)
When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends. - Japanese Proverb
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. - Abraham Lincoln (1809 -1865)
A happy ending depends on where you stop the story.
There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day. The other side of that is, a destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.
Strange Quotes About 'Character':
Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open. - Elmer G. Letterman
A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 - 1799)
When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends. - Japanese Proverb
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. - Abraham Lincoln (1809 -1865)
A happy ending depends on where you stop the story.
4/10/2006
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake weiner at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
4. Admire the size of your weiner and scratch your ass.
5. Get in the shower, Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire weiner size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake weiner at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake weiner at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
4. Admire the size of your weiner and scratch your ass.
5. Get in the shower, Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire weiner size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake weiner at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
How To Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
4/02/2006
CLEAR DIRECTIONS???
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot afterheating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes onbody. "
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car oroperate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with headcolds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor useonly."
(as opposed to...what?)
On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with yourhands or genitals."
(..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot afterheating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes onbody. "
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car oroperate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with headcolds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor useonly."
(as opposed to...what?)
On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with yourhands or genitals."
(..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
EVER WONDER?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
ONLY IN AMERICA
1. Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions whilehealthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
5. Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
2. Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions whilehealthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
5. Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
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