Quote of the day:
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars"
Oscar Wilde playwright, novelist, poet, and short story writer
October 16, 1854-November 30, 1900
I don't know why I do that. I say what I'm going to do, than life and reality blow it to smithereens. But I did do some blog ideas surfing, and it started with this...
10 Thoughts to Ponder for 2007
10. Life is sexually transmitted.
9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6. Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
2. In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
The only problem with the last statement is, well a very silly one. Ummm have you seen the state of the farms in America. Not only that but the fact there has been one case of BSE (bovine spongiform encephalopathy) aka mad cow disease according to to the FDA website...
According to the Animal Health and Plant Inspection Service (APHIS) of the United States Department of Agriculture, BSE has been detected in one cow in the United States. Following complications of pregnancy this cow was slaughtered December 9, 2003. As part of the APHIS ongoing surveillance of downer animals a brain sample was taken to test for the BSE agent. On December 25, 2003 it was confirmed that this animal tested positive for the BSE agent (on December 23, 2003 this was a "presumptive" case).
Ok I don't really know why that last line upset me (the one about FDA) other than the fact that I am going through the whole citizen becoming process myself, but it did make me use the i-net for a positive thing. Well with that said...
WEDNESDAY'S MUST HAVE'S...
Now there's no rhyme or reason I choose these other than I think that if you haven't experienced them you should. Not only that but I figured if I still own them after all of my "selling crap I own to make it through the tough times" it must mean something to me.
One of my MUST own CD's is Skid Row's SUBHUMAN RACE.
It's their best album...IMO. Because on this album they show their full potential as a rock/heavy metal band. On this album they do a great amalgamtion of their influences, experiences, and their signature sound. If you remember their SLAVE TO THE GRIND album, this disc is 10 times better. So get it or at least listen to it and let me know what you think.
My MUST read book is Brian Lumley's HERO OF DREAMS
It's the first in a series of books by this author. The coolest thing about these books is they take place in H.P. Lovecraft's Dreamlands. It's by far one of the easiest flowing books I have read too. Simply because the chapters are set up as micro stories. Well let me explain it this way. Hero Of Dreams is a collection of micro stories in chronological order that make up a book that makes up a series of books. Well anyway, read it.
My MUST have DVD
TRIGUN...all of them!!!!
It's fun, dramatic, action filled, romantic series of love, peace, principles life and death. NUFF SAID!!!!!
FRIDAY'S MUSIC
WELL BECAUSE OF SOME MAINTENCE ON MYSPACE...THIS WILL HAVE TO BE PUT OFF TILL A WEE BIT LATER...
SEASON'S EMAILS
ok here you go...
MERGING BAD PUNS...
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expectedmergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.Watch for these mergers in 2007:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang!
How To Give A Cat A Pill (and yes I know PETA would hate this one...but FUCK 'em)
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of > your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between > knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold ompress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's' front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
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