5/30/2006
FAMILY PICNICS
Oh good lord, you know those things you do for your parents? Well I only do them for Jeff. You see, he and my mom are getting divorced, and I'm ok with that. They both want what is fair. I'm ok with that. But mom is being a skank about it. Well to cut a lot of drama out (that story is for a future entry) For Jeff I came over and spent the afternoon with the family. I know I have to be the "Good Son" once in a while. I just wish it could be on crappy days, not nice summer days. It was the longest 2.5 hours this weekend. I hate it when you have to pretend to be nice, because I don't pretend to well anymore. I'm getting older and my time is to precious to be dealling with that shite. BUT for Jeff I did. That's life. When you're born, you're born with relatives. You will always have them. But a family you build for yourself. I have a mother, a sister, uncles and cousins and they are my relatives. But my wife and Jeff are my family. The song is over, please wait a moment, the next song will be starting shortly
Review of Maximum Ride: School's Out Forever
OH MY GOD!!! What a great ride!!! It was well worth the wait, and now I'm waiting again for more. The pacing is awesome. The characters kick some flocking ass!!! Sure it's a pretty simple and straight forward plot, but when it's this good, it doesn't need all of the extreme plot twists, and surprise endings. It does have some, but IMO it's just to move the main story. I sacrificed sleep to read this book. It is better than the first book. I laughed out loud and shed some tears. It's, for lack of a better statement, a maximum joy ride that I will read to my children (when I have them) and borrow to adults. Just because it is that good!!!
5/29/2006
TAKE A MOMENT
This is for those who fell, and never stood again,
Those who chose bravery over timidity,
Who chose liberty over constraint,
Who stood for freedom,
Who knew the cost,
Who made that choice,
Who ultimately paid the price,
This is for you,
You are not forgotten.
You are remembered.
In every flag that waves,
With every word voiced,
With every freedom we hold dear,
This is for you.
Thank You,
We miss you,
We remember you,
Always.
Those who chose bravery over timidity,
Who chose liberty over constraint,
Who stood for freedom,
Who knew the cost,
Who made that choice,
Who ultimately paid the price,
This is for you,
You are not forgotten.
You are remembered.
In every flag that waves,
With every word voiced,
With every freedom we hold dear,
This is for you.
Thank You,
We miss you,
We remember you,
Always.
A Moment Of Silence redux
Now those of you that actually know me, know that I'm not a pro-military person. But I do have a respect for those that do choose this way of life. Yes, it is a way of life. It takes someone of a special courage, an unbelievable strength of character and a love for their family, home and friends, to join the military. It takes someone who is afraid but won't and didn't let that stand in his or her way. It takes ultimate sacrifice, for those that laid it all on the line, because whether they lived or died, they're the ones who pay the price of freedom. I may never know all of you, but to you all I do say "thank you"! To the families and friends of these courageous individuals, my prayers are with you. To those who never came home... a moment of silence.
5/24/2006
COMPUTER WOMEN - WHICH TYPE ARE YOU?
Which Type Of Woman Do You Like?
a. HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER. !!!
b. WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.
c. EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.
d. SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!
e. INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access and hard to keep running .!!!
f. SERVER Woman:
Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.
g. MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.
h. CD-ROM Woman:
She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!
i. E-MAIL Woman:
Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.
j. VIRUS Woman:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
a. HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER. !!!
b. WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.
c. EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.
d. SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!
e. INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access and hard to keep running .!!!
f. SERVER Woman:
Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.
g. MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.
h. CD-ROM Woman:
She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!
i. E-MAIL Woman:
Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.
j. VIRUS Woman:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.
5/23/2006
EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH AND JUST TRYING TO KEEP EVERYONE INFORMED NOW THAT THE DA VINCI CODE IS COMING
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
LIFE IS TOUGH. IT'S TOUGHER WHEN YOU'RE STUPID
How do these people survive?
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer ... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer ... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency
5/18/2006
Review of Angels & Demons, Special Illustrated Edition
How to review a book that has such a tremendous followup? I know some of you have heard of a little book called the Da Vinci Code right? Well I haven't read it yet, but it is on my to do list. So as I am oft to do, I went back and read a less popular book before going out and reading a "Major worldwide bestseller". Now the ironic thing is that I finished a book called Thieves of Heaven, which takes place in Vatican City (with A LOT of information) to read another book that takes place in...? You you guesed it. The Vatican. This is one of those few occasions where another fiction book sets up a lot of history, so that when you read another fiction book, you have a base knowledge of it. So...let's get on with it...I will say one of the fun things about Angels & Demons, is simply how much the author has going on at the same time. He juggles the story very well without getting the reader lost. He is also able to keep all the characters uniqe and distinct from each other. He heeps the story moving very well, while adding flashbacks to punctuate and explain events.
Sadly the only true flaw in this book, for me at least, is the simple fact that I didn't care for any of his characters. No emotional attachment, nothing. Kind of like watching a Keanu Reeves movie...you know a lot of flash, no substance. So if you want a decent story with some great plot twists, than read it...you might like it more than I did.
5/14/2006
Review of My Point...And I Do Have One
Very rarely, does one comedians humor come across in the written form, as well as Ellen's does. While reading her book, it truly felt like she was over my shoulder, and that was a little creepy. Her, what almost seems like irrational thought pattern, flows so well, it's like she takes you on a scenic drive and before you know it, you're lost, but you got where you were going. Doesn't make much sense? If you read this book, it will. It's a very fun and enjoyable read. Well that's it for now...until next time...I remain me, and you remain you
5/11/2006
Review of The Thieves of Heaven
First, let's talk about a great book. For a first novel, and a whim buy, I didn't expect much. You know, like trying a new restaturant. It could be great, just ok or suck. Well this book is, for lack of a better synonym, great! The characters are truly believable, likable, horrific and all mesmerizing. The storytelling superb and the pacing is perfect for the tone and feel for this book.This book would be an excellent addition to anyones library, and I am greatly looking forward to his second book. I think...strike that, I know I have a new author whose work will be read and re-read often. I aim to follow all his work, although anything following this book, will have some pretty big shoes to fill, but after the caliber of this one book, I have no doubt in my mind, that those shoes will be filled, and even surpassed.
4/13/2006
THE BURGER KING
I was just watching the Burger King commercial, you know the ones with the over sized head. The only reason I bring this up is because the "king" has that sexual predator look dontcha think? Just another random thought.
SORRY IT'S BEEN A WHILE
Well what can I say, I been busy with 2 things going on in my life. The first is getting the plans for my wedding going as smoothly as possible. The second is having really nothing to say. So I been on occasion just jotting some notes down and when I get a moment I go back and check out what I had jotted and I see where it goes. I won't be doing a daily thing as much or as often...well not until after the 26th of April. After that the marriage will be official, and more time will be open. Just a quick update on the lil waste of space called my life.
SALLY FIELD
I want to punch her in the face. I don’t know why, I just do. But not just Sally Field, Katie Holmes, Cindy Williams and Karle Warren are also in the punch in the face category. All my life I’ve had this thought, well as far back as I can remember. I told this to Season back a while ago, about Katie Holmes.
She told me about a time when a friend of hers told her that when she went to Disney, to punch Piglet in the Stomach. So I told her about wanting to punch Katie Holmes in the face and she laughed.
Than about 3-4 weeks ago Forrest Gump was on…and I said, “That’s the original punch in the face girl.” Than…she jumps off the couch and just about cart wheeled to the computer. She yells at me to come to the computer and has me do a side-by-side comparison of Holmes and Field…and lo and behold there are many similarities. So every time I have a “punch in the face moment” Season tells me it’s another similarity. Just thought I’d share something that for some reason makes Season laugh.
She told me about a time when a friend of hers told her that when she went to Disney, to punch Piglet in the Stomach. So I told her about wanting to punch Katie Holmes in the face and she laughed.
Than about 3-4 weeks ago Forrest Gump was on…and I said, “That’s the original punch in the face girl.” Than…she jumps off the couch and just about cart wheeled to the computer. She yells at me to come to the computer and has me do a side-by-side comparison of Holmes and Field…and lo and behold there are many similarities. So every time I have a “punch in the face moment” Season tells me it’s another similarity. Just thought I’d share something that for some reason makes Season laugh.
DAYTIME TV
Oh my god…I’m wasting my days watching “Primetime in the Daytime.” I really think I need to find another hobby.
FLIP TOP HEADS
You know I remember the old reach toothbrush commercials, you know the ones with the flip top heads. I just remember how back than I thought it would have been so cool to have a flip top head. You know just to be sitting in class, than all of a sudden “look the human Pez dispenser!” This was just a random thought that crept into this lil waste of space that I call my brain
4/12/2006
MORE EMAILS...AGAIN AND AGAIN
Subject: 15 police comments....
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in Monkey DOO."
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
4. "Just how big were those two beers?"
3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPI C/NCIC.."
2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in Monkey DOO."
6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
4. "Just how big were those two beers?"
3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPI C/NCIC.."
2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
MORE EMAILS...AGAIN
What I've learned:
There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day. The other side of that is, a destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.
Strange Quotes About 'Character':
Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open. - Elmer G. Letterman
A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 - 1799)
When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends. - Japanese Proverb
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. - Abraham Lincoln (1809 -1865)
A happy ending depends on where you stop the story.
There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day. The other side of that is, a destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.
Strange Quotes About 'Character':
Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open. - Elmer G. Letterman
A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 - 1799)
When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends. - Japanese Proverb
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. - Abraham Lincoln (1809 -1865)
A happy ending depends on where you stop the story.
4/10/2006
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake weiner at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
4. Admire the size of your weiner and scratch your ass.
5. Get in the shower, Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire weiner size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake weiner at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake weiner at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
4. Admire the size of your weiner and scratch your ass.
5. Get in the shower, Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire weiner size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake weiner at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
How To Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror, make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
4/02/2006
CLEAR DIRECTIONS???
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot afterheating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes onbody. "
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car oroperate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with headcolds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor useonly."
(as opposed to...what?)
On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with yourhands or genitals."
(..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot afterheating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes onbody. "
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car oroperate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with headcolds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor useonly."
(as opposed to...what?)
On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with yourhands or genitals."
(..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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