OH HOW THE CIGARETTE BURNS...SO BRIGHTLY

How's that for one of my stupider titles?  On a scale of 1-10 I give it a *GOOOOONG* "Get the HOOK!!!"

So if that particular segment doesn't age me, I don't know what will.  So it seems like once again I will pollute the cyber waves of grain with my immature ramblings; promising to make a grown man cry.  Or at least sniffle a little.  It seems so strange to be here actually typing something after my lengthy hiatus.  I have no reason for it.  I was just not in the mood to sit in front of the computer and type far far away.  I mean c'mon people, use the internet for something as frivolous as updating my blog??  I mean there's a whole wide world of webbing out there that I had to enjoy like a cafe' mocha with extra whip cream.  There were youtube videos I hadn't seen, and some I REALLY REALLY REALLY wish I hadn't seen.  That 2 girls 1 cup thing comes to mind...I mean EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!  Along with reading brand new blogs, catching up on old ones and more or less being a cyber butterfly...well you get the idea.

So for the last little while I was like a leaf in the wind...or a faerie flitting from completely useless website to useless website.  Now for those reading this...no I am NOT a faerie...that was a metaphor.  Not that there's anything wrong with faeries, I mean who doesn't love those mischevious imaginary winged creatures?  Sheesh.  It seems like everything nowadays needs an explanation.

But on the plus side (no that doesn't mean big people clothing) my batteries have been recharged like Charo's career.  Oh wait a second...do any of you even know the coochie coochie girl?  Damn it.  At this rate I'll be aging myself to well over a hundred years old.  And to that meanie who just said I am...I give you a high five...backwards...minus the thumb, pointer, ring and pinkie.  So put that in your pipe as the crow flies.  Now where was I...

Oh yeah, batteries recharged...which is a grate gift for any woman.  rechargeable batteries (usually double a's but for the more serious woman the c's are the way to go) and charger.  Wow...I'm hitting all kinds of helpful hints here.  That's what I'm trying to say...this place is the one stop shopping place.  Well for ideas at least.  And really really bad puns.

Thanks for stopping by.

Subject Wii IS UNFAIR TO US ADULTS

So on black friday Season and I decided to hit 

 for some absolutely neccesary essentials.  I had to drag my lovely wife kicking and screaming to the above mentioned big box store.

Yes, there were a few casulties, thanks to the above mentioned kicking

and screaming

...and I can't apologize enough to the kids she kicked

 and to the poor old lady who just turned up her hearing aid

. 

Who knew that those things could actually smoke?  So just in case you victims of the Hurricane Season are reading this, Yes, Hilary and I are doing everything in our power to help you...I'll be sending an intern with the proper documentation .

So, we hit ground zero around 3ish P.M..  Luckily for us, instead of the aisles being ruled by a mob of angry women shopping/waging war,

it had turned into a heard of of rude women complaining about all the sales they missed.

So we were able to shop in some amount of peace...that is until I found the video game consoles.  They had the three big names there...and I decided this would be a good time to let out my inner slacker.

Sadly theres not much difference between the inner slacker and the outer, other than that my inner slacker still misses

BUFFY

 

ANGEL

 

FIREFLY

 

 and is eagerly awaiting the STAR WARS CLONE WARS tv series. 

The first to fall victim to my near non existant video game prowess is the NINTENDO Wii. 

So here I go...I pick up what looks like nun-chucks and in my slacker mind I'm making the Bruce Lee

 

"Wooooooooooo" noise.  Than about 2.5 seconds later I hit STAR WARS geek mode.  Yup you guessed it...I start the making the lightsaber noise.

Well there was some Mario Bros. game there for playing...uhhh I mean play testing.  So I started playing and I so sucked.  It wasn't bad enough that this game was taunting me...it was making me winded and tired too. 

I looked at my lovely wife with pleading eyes and short of breath and asked "What happened to the days when you could sit on a couch, play video games and just be lazy?"

"Well, this is way for kids to get excersize while they play video games." Answered my very logical and understanding better half.

"Well than WHY THE HELL AM I GETTING PUNISHED FOR THEIR LAZINESS?" said this video game battle wearied adult.  "WHEN I WAS THEIR AGE, I WAS FORCED TO GO OUTSIDE!  THIS IS SO UNFAIR!"

"It'll be alright." says a slightly sarcastic lady, who is obviously blind to my tribulations and turmoil, who also goes by the name "Lovely Wife of Mine"

So with the last of my strength, I threw down the what just 3 minutes ago was a very cool lightsaber/nun-chuck thingie, and is now the very bane of my existance and did what any defeated adult would do.

I cursed the makers of said video game console, the parents of lazy children and myself...because I thought for a few moments there "Hey, this would be a pretty cool way to lose some weight."

CURSE YOU FICKLE SLACKER MIND OF MINE...CURSE YOU.

Being Lazy...so another survey thingie

1. Do you know anyone in prison?

Nope...they have been released

2. Have you ever logged onto a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush's myspace?

nope

3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?

2-3 weeks ago

4. Have you ever gotten naked at a party?

yeah I guess I have

5. Name someone you miss?

Dino

6. Are you named after a grandparent?

NOPE
 
7. Who loves you?

Who doesn't?

8. Do you throw up gang signs?

Well...I throw up when I see them...does that count?

9. Have you ever broken a rib?

NOPE

10. Would you rather be a girl or a guy?

Well since I am a boy...isn't that kind of a moot point
 
11. Who is the most spoiled person you know of?

My Sister

12. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love?

I have true love

13. Have you ever had sex in church?

Yeah

14. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine?

OH HELL NO!!!

15. Do you watch the grammys?

NOPE

16. Would you ever work for the border patrol?

What border??

17. What would you describe your last relationship as?

Over

18. Would you rather date someone 2 years younger or older?

Well since I'm married to a gal who is 3 years older...

19. What junk food are you?

Umm soylent green?

20. Do you have a porn collection?

Collection...NO

21. Is your birthday on a holiday?

MY birthday IS a holiday

22. Are you old enough to vote?

yes

23. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now?

umm...not sure

24 Are you a vegetarian?

Nope...I am not an animal doctor

25. Do you worry about global warming?

NOPE!!!!

26. Do you like polar bears?

Well maybe as friends...but no, not "like" like

27. What song do you want played at your funeral?

Shotgun Messiah's "free"

28. Did you lose your virginity to your neighbour?

Nope

29. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true?

Sure why not

30. Do you wear your boyfriend/girlfriends clothes?!

Sure why not

31. What's your opinion on gold diggers?

Hey...everyone's got to have a hobby

32. Are you a country or city person?

actually...I'm a city boy who loves to live just outside the city

33. Are you taller than 5'6"?

Yes

34. Do you consider yourself spoiled?

Let's see...I've got the love of my life...YUP!!

MORE CONFESSIONS

In Oberlin, Ohio, and more specifically at Oberlin College, I learned a few things about myself.

But to get to that I have to let you in on a little secret.

I have never been completely honest about where and when I started doing many of the self destructive activities that I have partaken in. On this trip I learned about pot. I learned that I liked it a lot. Of course I had to deny it to everyone I have ever known, because I was the person who went around saying "You see how I am, can you really picture me on anything?"

So that started a closet addiction that went on until I got my OWI (operating while intoxicated) in February of 2005. I haven't touched it since but I still get the urge every now and then. Although since that day I have stayed away from the wacky tabacky. I guess I learned that I have too much to lose to continue doing that.

In Oberlin I did pot for the first time and, like I said before, I liked it, A LOT!

I got high and I got laid.

My roomate, had an exgirlfriend that was going to Oberlin, and on our way back from Wilmington, he decided that he needed some closure.

She had broken up with him and never told him why...so he decided that this would be a good time to find out why.

My roomate went to talk with his ex and I was "stuck" in the dorm room with the ex's roomate and a couple of her friends. She asked me if I smoke, and of course being the smooth mother fucker that I am, I said "Well, yeah! Who doesn't?"

So she pulled out some weed, and we all started smoking it. After about an hour, the other girls leave...except for "pot girl."

She proceeds to tell me that smoking gets her all horny.

Yup one plus one was making the decision I made about Christine, get buried.

This is also the moment that I learned that I would rather escape into a chemical paradise than deal with reality. I liked this too. It meant I now knew how to avoid all my problems.

This would also be a self delusional lie that would come back to haunt me, slap me in the ass and call me Sally time after time.

Afterwards, I spent the next couple of days, wandering around the little town. I saw the museum, which was very lovely. I spent a lot of time in this comic book shop. Wasted an entire day sitting in the park watching people. Which would turn into one of my favorite past times.

I began to realize two things.

One, I stuck out like a cold nipple in the middle of winter (who knew that a t-shirt and blue jean as an ensamble would make me look like no body else around me).

Two, most of the people I talked to didn't have a single original thought.

"Pot girl" asked me to join her at this "sharing of ideas" that she and a few of her friends had every week. They all sat around talking about the society, political issues and topics and how they are so wrong and what should be done to fix them. Yet everything they were saying was just a regurgitation of someone else's words.

I have always tried to be a free thinker, so I started sharing my views and ideas. They looked at me like I was insane.

So I went into my views in greater detail, and they were still looking at me like I was donkey wearing lingerie. They said I had no idea how the world worked, and that my ideas were simplified into black and white.

I started thinking "Uh..what the hell?"

Then my mouth reiterated that same sentiment. I looked at them and said, "What the hell? For your information, I have not been hiding in college coming up with theories on life, I'm out there every day living it. I see and experience the bullshit and the paradise first hand. I'm out there living and surviving life while you sit here in the security blanket of higher learning, and I'm out there looking at life straight in the eye, giving it the finger, pissing on it and struggling to make it through each and every day. I don't have a scholarship or parents funding my endeavors. I'm working two jobs and making it. I experience every waking moment while you sit here and cower about the very reality of knowing that in a few short years, you'll be where I am. So if you think I'm making my opinions without truly knowing what I am talking about, let's switch places. You pull seventeen hour shifts five times a week and two eight hour shifts during your so called days off. My god are you all so stupid, that you think that sitting in this safe haven and talking about life and the world instead of actually doing and living in it makes you better? All I can see is a bunch of posers pretending and fooling yourselves into believing this tripe that you are spewing. I am so outta here. Oh by the way...FUCK YOU ALL!!!"

I then collected my belongings and went back to the dorm room, where I sat there seething until "pot girl" came back. I would have mentioned her name, but for the love that is all great and holy, I can't remember it at all. She said that she had agreed with everything I had said at the "get together" and she wished that more people would be that blunt with the truth. She started rubbing my shoulders, and asked if I wanted to smoke again. I said "Sure, why not." and we repeated the previous nights escapades.

A few hours later my roomate and his ex came back. Pot girl and I were still in bed, and this started a war.

To this day I have no idea why.

While my roomate and his ex were still reading us the riot act, I asked pot girl if she wanted to go out for a drink or two. She told me that she spent the last of her money on the reefer, and that she was broke. I said "That's OK, the townie bar was having a "Penny, nickel and more" night."

YEAH, THAT PRETTY MUCH SAYS IT ALL redux

originally posted 6-15-06 ...and we danced


You know, how strange it is to be with someone, where the main desire is to be with them all the time and there is never enough of it. I married my wife, I wear a ring on my finger, I carry her love in my heart and soul. When I get home from work she's sleeping so I lay down with her and feel her skin against mine, I hear her breathing and we share something special between us. I spend all weekend with her, shopping, cleaning, fighting, crying, laughing, doing chores, running errands and doing things two people in love do. But it never feels like it's enough. We get a 2-4 hours a night to lay with each other. The weekend is never long enough. Is it so wrong to want to be with the one you love more than a few hours a day? Is it wrong to hate a phone because that's the only way you can communicate on a daily basis, because you work conflicting shifts? Is it wrong to hate a Monday morning because you know when you wake up you'll wake up in an empty bed and the first thing you do is grab the pillow she uses because it still smells like her? Is it wrong to simply want more time? Is it wrong to want more in general? All I do know is that whether it's right or wrong, wanting sure is lonely.Today the music is unfortunately silence...