A TALE OF TWO 2

Current mood: sleepy

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
“If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.”
Jack Handy

1. A few years ago, I worked at a boys home. We full-timers had the pleasure of participating in a staff meeting every week. Once a month, we would have staff meetings off-grounds (meaning the boss would take us out for lunch). At the time there was 6 full-timers and 5 part-timers. The part-timers would have the joy of reading the minutes of such meetings when they came in for their shifts. Let me explain the "crew":

• a former "sheriff"
• a "tough guy"
• a former "car salesman"
• the "boss man"
• the "old timer"
• and me

We had all gone out to a place for burgers, and the few of us that didn't have to work that day/night had a couple of beers. Yay for me and sheriff, too bad so sad for the rest. So as we sat there talking about ways to improve communication, our friendly neighborhood waitress came and took our orders. Since the boss man was paying for the grub, everyone ordered the biggest baddest burgers this joint had. Well, old timer was, to put it as delicately as possible, a major slob. He emanated odors that are indescribable. He picked his nose in full view of all, than casually wiped them on his pants. The kind of person one brings home to mother, if you catch my drift. We are all sitting there discussing work and work issues, when the food arrives.

I happened to glance around the table, lo and behold a wonder of wonders was happening before my eyes. Old timer was playing with a zit. A monstrous white head, about the size of a sharpie marker tip. Yes, needless to say, I am completely grossed out by this act. But my friends and cohorts, this story is not yet over.

I see thumb and pointer finger zero in on said whitehead.

My eyes begin to widen.

Thumb and pointer finger arrive at target and proceed to pinch the target.

I think to myself, "oh no he wouldn't".

Thumb and pointer finger meet with target. Whitehead disappears. No evidence is left behind. The thumb and pointer finger come away from said action unscathed.

Then the true horror of what just transpired hits me like a two ton heavy thing. The food has just been brought out, no one has touched their meals yet. They were all placed in front of old timer. Popped zit residue, has gone somewhere, yet current where abouts unknown.

Gag factor strikes like a Mike Tyson uppercut.

I am no longer hungry.

I look at sheriff, and he is white.

I look around the table, no one else has witnessed the "atrocity."

I casually grab my food, walk to the waitress, explain what has happened, sheriff looks over at me, eyes pleading, I ask if it would be okay to have new burgers and fries made for me and sheriff, she responds with a no problem, grabs my food, walks over to the table, grabs sheriffs food, explains that she grabbed the wrong burgers, asks the rest of the table if everybody got the right food, everyone says yes, she blanches and then she leaves to prepare another couple of burgers, and makes them to go. To this day, I don't want to know where the phantom pimple juice went. I am okay without that information.

2. Last weekend, my wife and I decided we were to lazy to cook. We went to McD's for it's mysterious meat chicken nuggets, the fries that don't age and the extra big yet cheaper than their other size sodas. One of the female workers was telling a tale, much like I am doing right now. Than from out of nowhere my wife and I hear this comment...

"The hose was to big for my hole! Can you believe that?" Giggling ensues.

I am stifling my laughter, my wife looks like she's having miniature seizures...and another customer looks over at us...and asks,

"Did that sound funny to anyone else?"

We lose it. Laughter erupts from me. It comes out of my wife like a runaway freight train. The customer is chortling. The worker and her friend are looking at us, like we all gone crazy. So I calm down, walk over to her, and proceed to explain, what has driven us off edge of Mt. Uncontrolled Laughter. Her face turns beet red. She says "OMG I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE DIESEL HOSES AT GAS STATIONS. I ALMOST PUT IN THE WRONG KIND OF GAS IN MY NEW CAR!!"

Which, of course, erupts in a brand new family friendly wave of laughter.

Aftewards we received our food, said thank you for the laugh, and went home (all teary eyed, gut busted, too much laughing headache and a better appreciation as to how the powers that be try to "stupid proof" the world.)

Currently listening : Sonic Temple By The Cult Release date: 07 March, 2000