FINDING YOUR PAIN

I'm 35 years old. I have lost many things in my life. I will lose many more things, as my life continues. I have always looked to those in the limelight to find the qualities I would like to possess. Those qualities, have led me to my heroes and my idols. I have for a while now stated that my heroes and idols have fallen. That there are no longer heroes and idols out there worth emulating.

I am wrong.

It took a horrific moment for me to see this. I have for the last 33 hours been asking myself what I should feel. How I should feel. Is it wrong to feel a certain way. Is it wrong because I don't feel that way. I have sat in this exact spot asking all those questions. While I was at work, I stood there, asking the same questions. As I sat on the couch watching ECW, I asked myself the same questions, and added "Is this even right, that I'm watching this?"

You see, it's not that there are not anymore heroes or idols out there in the world. There are over 6,602,224,175 people in this world. And that means there are 6,602,224,175 different influences out there. Some will be heroes and some will cause heartaches. I have looked to celebrities, writers, actors wrestlers, musicians, athletes and even fictional characters to find the qualities that would make me a better person. I guess in a way I still will, BUT I will no longer limit myself to that small population.

I am now going to look at the human race and more importantly, within myself. I know that every single one of us has the ability to be saints or sinners, heroes or villians, angels or demons and good or bad. I have to start looking at all of us, and within us find that idea of a better person.

I want to be a better person. I want people to start looking at me the same way I have started looking at them. As outlines to what is in me, and not as the definitive answers. For the first time in 33 hours, I am able to breathe. I am still in shock and truly saddened by what has transpired. But I have found that spark of hope.

I have found my pain.

Yes, it is OK to feel what I am feeling. Yes it is OK to question, my thoughts and all these conflicting emotions. It is ok to feel sad, dispirited, confused and tormented. I have learned that it is ok to feel. And that it's ok to start my own healing process.

It's time I started healing.

And I am taking the first step...