QUOTE OF THE DAY:
"My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh."
Robert Allen Monkhouse
June 1, 1928–December 29, 2003
an English entertainer
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Because you're fatter then they are.
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out your pregnant.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only---doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
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