There's a subject out there that I've been mum on for a long time now. Well, I'm tired, I'm crabby, and I'm sick of being the bad guy, so here's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but, not that people will believe it.
Over a year ago, a co-worker/friend (although how you can call a person you walk on eggshells around constantly because you never know when she's going to stop talking to you or what you did wrong this time a friend is beyond me) met a guy in a chat room. So, they got talking and she decided that he needed to be tested. She enlisted myself and another co-worker/friend to administer the test. "Tell me if he's a good guy or not, you have better judgement than I do." So, I got on-line and was hauled into a chatroom with the 3 of us girls plus him. We talked for a while, he seemed very nice, and I told her so. She left, but the rest of us stayed and kept talking. Then, the other co-worker left. And he and I kept talking. We had a lot in common. More in common than I do with most people. It was a really awesome conversation. But, he's seeing my friend, so, cool, he and I can be friends. End of that type of thought before it even got going. Would I have been interested in him if they weren't involved with each other? Yes. But...they were...end of story.
He and I continued to talk on-line, about movies, books, pet peeves, anything and everything really. We'd sit and talk for hours, long after she was in bed, while he was at work. Then we'd talk in the morning when he got home from work and when I'd just woken up, usually around 10am. This wasn't a daily occurence, but was a minimum of once a week.
Then the moment came when he drove up to "Rivendale" to surprise her. Unbeknownst to her, he actually visited her after a date with another girl in Marshfield didn't work out. No, I didn't know that at the time. I was told that about six months ago. But by that time, I was the mega-villain and didn't care enough to say anything.
In her eyes, the first meeting went great, and they continued to see each other. In his eyes, well, he didn't want to be alone and they got along ok. So, he drove up to "Rivendale" to meet her friends. I swear she invited everyone she's ever known. Not the first time she'd done that to a guy she met on-line, and probably won't be the last. As compared to the other guy I witnessed being put to the torture test, she did at least talk to him and not ignore him completely. I saw him, knew I was in trouble, and ran. I got completely trashed and left to go to another bar. I was able to shut down any feelings I might have for him that way. Denial is a wonderful thing. Well, not really, but it got me through the night. (He just read over my shoulder and agrees that denial is a good defence mechanism) At one point that evening, I slapped him (so I've been told) and told him that if he hurt her, I'd kill him (that part I remember). Again, denial, but also not. I say not denial because I knew that for him I was capable of going against my own moral code regarding people that are spoken for.
The next time we spoke was about a week later. After I had calmed down the utter mortification I was feeling by my drunken fool behavior upon meeting him in person. I apologized, he said no big deal, and we just kept talking.
The next time we saw each other in person for more than a split second was the day of a huge birthday party, for 5 different people. The girl he was seeing at the time met his parents earlier that day, so I asked him how it went standing less then 10 feet in front of her...facing her the entire time. This obviously meant that I was trying to steal him away from her because she wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the party or for a few weeks after that as well. So, once I realized that I was causing drama at the party (and all the witnesses to it said I didn't do a damn thing wrong), I told him to go talk to her and then I stayed away from her and him. I also went home after the party instead of joining everyone at the bar. This pissed her off too because evidently that was rude. Personally, I figured removing myself from the situation was the politest thing to do and I'm just too fucking old to deal with that high school shit.
Because of the bullshit, I talked to him less after that. It seemed like the right thing to do. He was dating her, I caused tension in their relationship, made sense to me. It sucked tho because I couldn't talk to my friend. The person that I was happy to have as a friend, knowing there was never a chance that we'd be together, and I was ok with that. I understood that. I dealt with it.
Then one day....he said it....those words...those awful words. I hate those words. They are the words that people have said to me in the past. And they usually don't mean them, but just say them to cheer the person they're saying them to up. "If I had met you first..."
Can't be discussed, should never be brought up, stop this line of discussion right now. But he wouldn't. PANIC!!! "You have to say how you really feel," he insists. Think, hard to think, what to say? What's a safe thing to say, but doesn't say anything real? "I would find you intriguing," I reply. Then we chit chat for a while and he disappears.
I immediately send an email to the other friend chosen to test him, including a transcript of the chat (Yahoo history you know). "How does this sound to you? Did I handle it ok? What should I do? Should I tell her?" Her response was, "You handled it fine, sounds really good, oh my God, are you fucking kidding me? Don't tell her. Dammit! You should have been in the chat room that day instead of her!"
And so, after emailing him to delete the conversation from his history because she was coming to visit him and I didn't want him to get in trouble for what I assumed was a drunken moment, I avoided him. He avoided me. We didn't talk for a few weeks. Then, we slowly started talking again. Until the day he was coming up to Rivendale job hunting. He was moving up there to be with her, they'd been talking about marriage. Which ripped me apart, but ok, deal with it. He insisted that we go out to lunch before work. I tried to back away from it, but the man is pushy when he wants something and wouldn't let it go. So, I agreed. And we met for lunch. He talked and talked and talked. I looked at my plate and barely ate anything. For once, I was shy with him, something that I'd never been. Then I had to go to work, where she was pissy because he didn't meet her for her 20 minute lunch. I said, well, he was out to lunch with me. She flipped out. I said, didn't he tell you? Because I couldn't believe he hadn't. And if he did tell her later, and I hadn't said anything...all hell would break loose.
I avoided him after that. Couldn't stand seeing him with her. They were not right for each other. Everyone knew it (except maybe her), everyone had expected it to end long before, but they were moving in together. In order not to say anything, I didn't talk to him any more. Also, to make my life easier at work because she was jealous even tho neither of us had ever done anything.
Occassionally we'd see each other at break at work and talk for a few minutes. We had the same time for the company Xmas dinner, and talked and yes, gave each other a hug in public. It was a quick hug. We both jerked away. I didn't want him getting in trouble because it was sure to get back to her. Which almost made me cry, but I was in public. I didn't want to leave his arms. But other than that...we didn't talk. I had him on permanent invisible on Yahoo so he wouldn't know if I was on-line.
I was going through a really tough time. I wasn't able to talk to my good friend, who if I was honest with myself, I was also in love with. My aunt died. One of my best friends was diagnosed HIV+. I lost it. Good old nervous breakdown time. Don't leave the house except to go to work. Shop only late at night when there are no people around. Some days I couldn't go to work. I stopped living and was barely even existing.
Then in the beginning of April, I logged onto Yahoo. He was on-line. I took him off invis and said hi. We talked for 4 hours. I had been home sick (physically, not mentally this time). Again, pushy man wouldn't take no for an answer and we agreed to meet for a drink the next day. I told him that I'd stay 1 hour at most. I ended up being 20 minutes late because a friend had locked her keys in her car and I stayed to help her out. He was still there and greeted me with a huge smile. We ended up talking until 4am. But we had to keep it a secret from her...of course. Sneaking around when we weren't doing anything but talking about movies, books, and bullshit. And we agreed to meet the same night the following week.
The next week, again, we're just sitting talking. The bartender and the off-duty bartender were the only other people in the bar and they were beyond drunk. So drunk that he was doing the bartending because they could barely stand. "Just kiss her" No, no, no! From both of us. From him, she's my best friend, that's gross! From me, he's dating someone, that's just wrong, I'm not that type of person! "Fine, we're going to dance, you dance too." Thinking it would get them to just shut up, I agreed. He agreed. Brad Paisley We Danced (lyrics at the end of the post) played on the jukebox. We started off holding each other at arms length, like 6th graders at their first dance. Gradually we held each other closer, until we were clinging to each other. I was blushing so much, I thought my head was going to burst into flames. But still nothing was said. We finished the dance, and sat talking until 3:30am. My birthday was that Friday, and he was going to join me and a huge group of people to celebrate.
Friday came and I didn't think he was going to show. But he finally did. She wasn't with him. Oh man, this just got tougher...because I wanted to be in his arms again. We kept everything on the friendship level. Talking with a huge group, nothing drastic going on, just hanging out. We bar hopped a bit. I was drinking beer and "pussy" shots, so I didn't make a fool out of myself again, but I had a nice buzz going just the same. At the last bar, he went off by himself. Sitting at the bar with his head down, while the rest of the group was by the dance floor. Finally, I walked over to him and said, "oh Jose, it'll be alright. Don't you know I love you too?" He winced. I immediately added, "of course I mean as a friend." He looked at me and said, "no no no no no. not just as a friend." And that was it...we started telling each other how we felt. We kissed, the shy, yet wholly emotion filled soft first kiss that's barely a brush of the lips. And then we left the bar.
He left her the next day. But she wouldn't let him go, wouldn't accept that he didn't want to be with her. Didn't know that when he insisted I go out to the bar with him that first time, it was to say goodbye because he was going to throw himself in the river and let it carry him away. Didn't know that he was dying inside. Just like I was. But I didn't tell him to stay with me. I let him go back to her, still trying to do the right thing. Knowing that I would move away as soon as I could after basking in his love for too brief a time. But we couldn't stay apart. He went back to her on Monday. He left her for good on Tuesday. I've never let him go since. I always tell him to stay.
so...am I the bad guy? am I a terrible person for wanting to be with the person that I love more than anyone else in the world? am I a sinner for not wanting him to be with the person who was killing him a little more every day? If so, then that's what I am. And I would do it all over again.
We Danced by Brad Paisley
The bar was empty
I was sweeping up the floor
That's when she walked in
I said, "I'm sorry but we're closed"
And she said "I know,
But I'm afraid I left my purse"
I said, "I put one back behind the bar
I bet it's probably yours"
And the next thing that I knew
There we were, lost in conversation
And before I handed her her purse
I said, "You'll only get this back on one condition"
And we danced
Out there on that empty hardwood floor
The chairs up and the lights turned way down low
The music played, we held each other close
And we danced
And from that moment
There was never any doubt
I had found the one
That I had always dreamed about
And then one evenin'
When she stopped by after work
I pulled a diamond ring out of the pocket of my shirt
And as her eyes filled up with tears
She said, "This is the last thing I expected"
And then she took me by the hand
And said, "I'll only marry you on one condition"
And we danced
Out there on that empty hardwood floor
The chairs up and the lights turned way down low
The music played, we held each other close
And we danced Like no one else had ever danced before
I can't explain what happened on that floor
But the music played We held each other close
And we danced
Yeah, we danced
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