SEASON SAYS

I think too much. At first, we spent between 10 and 12 hours a day together. Then we moved, and spent 24 hours a day together until he found a job. That cut it back down to 12 hours a day together. Which was tough, but we still got to see each other a lot. Then I got a job. Now we have 4 hours a day together. So, when he gets home, I'm waking up. I don't wake up well. It takes at least 20 minutes for my brain to function, but it can take up to 2 hours. That makes every second we have together so precious to me. And I think I should tell him this, I should tell him that....but it all seems so trivial. And I don't want to waste a second, and instead, I end up wasting all of it. When he gets home, he wants to relax, of course. And I want him to, so a lot of times, I don't say, please come here, sit by me and talk, hold me. I say, are you hungry? I'll make you something, what do you want to eat? And I say I love you a lot. But that's almost all I say. I don't say, I miss you. I hate sleeping without you. I hate that we don't have as much time together as we used to. I say nothing. Then, if I decide to jump into the silence with something, I say the most inane bullshit that I possibly can. And I wince inside. Because I should be telling him how I feel, other than watching him, loving him in silence, and being caged by it.
But, I'll be damned if I continue making the same mistake. Because I love him, I miss him, and, yes, I need him. I refuse to let myself throw away the best thing in my life.

Season