BEING STRONG, WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH

OK here's a little secret. Season and I were parents...for about 4-5 weeks. That ended this morning around 8 am. It ended and I couldn't be sad or weak, not this time. I had to be there for Season, who was taking it really hard. So I had to swallow down a lot of pain and an extreme sense of loss. I didn't know I could feel that abyss of emptiness, and I almost ran to a graveyard of empty bottles again. I couldn't do that, not this time. You see I have this tendency to run into that graveyard whenever things hurt too much and believe me I was hurting. If I had done that, first of all, what kind of a partner/soon to be husband would I be if I left her to deal with alone? Second, what kind of father would do that? I didn't want to be that person, not anymore. Right now I'm having a couple of drinks, only because I wouldn't be able to say any of this without it. It's been a long day. Season called me this morning to bring her meds and girly armor, and bring them out to her work. When I got there she was barely holding on, and so was I. I guess I've always wanted a child of my own, from me and of me. I wanted it with EX1, but I never really felt this kind of emptiness when it didn't happen with her. Oddly, I didn't want it with EX2, but with Season, it truly felt beautiful and like it was truly meant to be. On Wednesday I emailed my friend Bev and told her what was going on, and I wish I hadn't. Because 2 days later everything has changed. Season is doing good...physically and emotionally, and we'll be setting up an OB-GYN appointment. Because, I want her to be OK. We both lost someone very special today, and I can't bear the thought of something happening to her. I'm sorry that I'm going all over the place today, but that's how the thoughts are coming to me. I mean even before this, we came up with names, that WE BOTH AGREED on. Inara for a girl and Kaelin for a boy. Nope no middle names...yet, but we both figured that those would come in time. I read online that most people, who have miscarriages, usually refer to them as its. Well I won't. Also it's not a miscarriage, until it's between the 12th and 28th week. Sorry for the crude language, but that is so totally fucked!!!! He/she has started to grow. He/she has had a taste of life. He/she did live. He/she passed away. Are we the only 2 people who see this? Does this mean we are going to stop hoping for a family? NO. Does this mean we're going to stop trying? NO. Because up until this, we didn't think it was possible. Now we know it is. Now, we know we have that chance. Our child has given us something we didn't have before. We have hope. Our child showed us that there is something more for us. Our unborn child, gave us a hope for tomorrow. Our unborn child, gave us a gift. That gift was and is a future family. And to never ever shoot for less.